


baby you scrub the floor like nobody else

by ShipperTrash140109



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Crack, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Maids, Painplay, baguette sword, no seriously, this is trashy crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-22 18:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18140168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipperTrash140109/pseuds/ShipperTrash140109
Summary: Everyone knew something would have to be done about Alex sooner or later,He didn’t workHe didn’t do any choresHe didn’t even let them get food half the time because he lived in the cupboard and kept it under martial fucking law.So, one night, they called a flat meeting, and came to a decison“We could just make him the maid? Give him a couple bucks an hour? Get Farrier to threaten him if he gets narky?”akaalex becomes the maid and shenanigans ensue





	baby you scrub the floor like nobody else

**Author's Note:**

> i hate this so much, thanks wonston chortle, have fun reading this brooke

Everyone knew something would have to be done about Alex sooner or later,

He didn’t work

He didn’t do any chores

He didn’t even let them get food half the time because he lived in the cupboard and kept it under martial fucking law.

So, one night, they called a flat meeting in Peter and George’s room (the room in the house Alex frequented the least, considering the two never banged in it and never got into any drama) and they addressed the Alex issue. Philippe suggested kicking him out, but then he’d probably just go even more feral and attack them every time they left the house. Tommy said they could find him a job, but then they all knew how long that would last. Until finally, Peter spoke up from where he was sat on his bed, rolling joints like it was something as mundane as doing taxes. “We could just make him the maid? Give him a couple bucks an hour? Get Farrier to threaten him if he gets narky?”

“Farrier isn’t going to threaten anyone, we need to provide a united front, he can’t try to fuck all of us, surely- we corner him in his cupboard tonight, tell him how things are gonnae run from now on” Collins explained, obviously still not over the One Direction Ellen Horan incident.

Slowly, everyone in the room started nodding, and it was agreed upon- they would elect Alex as their maid. So, that afternoon, as Alex crawled into his cupboard grumbling about being caught stealing money from a fountain, they surrounded him, the brunet hissing and trying to close the door on them, failing thanks to Collins holding it open like a little bitch. “What do you people want? I have a spider, I won’t fucking hesitate!” Alex threatened, still tugging at the door.

“Alex you, ignorant slut!” George yelled from the back, everyone gasping, not able to believe the words that had just left the youngest man’s mouth. The curse had caught them off guard, and after a moment of stammering Philippe was able to get back on track.

“You do nothing around here! Time to pull your own weight” the Frenchman demanded, crossing his arms over his chest, he was using the voice he used when he choked Alex out in a (good) way…bastard.

“Ye, we work all dae fer you and you jus’ get arrested, you don’ even wash up you lazy git!” Collins pointed out, moving to somewhat obscure Farrier from Alex’s point of view, the latter glaring at him, _say goodbye to your kneecaps_.

After grilling the cretin for the better part of an hour, he gives in (once they threaten to stop Friday nights- which would subsequently remove all purpose from Alex’s life) and agrees to do the household chores without argument or question, so long as they allow him to set up a deck chair and popcorn come Friday nights, which everyone agreed on(with a lot of hesitation, mind you).

* * *

 

A few days pass, Alex begrudgingly doing the chores (if you could call ‘half-assing’ doing the chores) and it’s on this fateful afternoon that things start to go a little haywire. Fresh home from work, Collins is moving towards his room when he sees something out the corner of his eye, the blond frowning and deciding to investigate. What he finds, is the backside of a very attractive individual decked out from head to toe in maid garb.

 _Did Alex actually hire one to do the job for him?_ Collins thought as he ran a hand through his hair, wave checking to see if he was looking like a mongrel or not- spoiler alert, he wasn’t. He clears his throat, strutting into the kitchen with the poise of a newborn giraffe on roller skates, “afternoon sexay, where’d you come from?” he drawls, moving to lean on the wall but misjudging the distance and nearly knocking himself out instead.

He’s about to move closer, get in the other’s space, give em the ol’ razzle dazzle, when they’re turning around and- “Alex what the fuck?!” he screams, suddenly tear-arsing out of the kitchen faster than the speed of bloody sound, leaving Alex with more questions than answers.

* * *

 

“Where’d it come from?” Collins demanded slamming his hands down on the desk, yanking the light to shine brighter against Peter’s face, the blond glaring and pressing his lips into a fine line. Collins shrieked, flinging the files off the table in Gaelic, “where did the uniform come from?!”

“I’ll never tell you, never!” Peter shouted back, straining against the ‘handcuffs’ (they’d used one of Tommy’s scarves, they would have borrowed Collins’ g-string but he claimed it was worth more than their entire families), he had just wanted to wank off about boats all afternoon, but it seemed even that simple feat was too much to ask for.

“Fine, you leave me no choice” Collins sighed, rolling up his sleeves, clearing his throat, “send him in.”

As soon as he said this, Murphy walked in, a huge easel in his hand, as he set it down, the point of this method became apparent, as the words ‘negative effects of smoking weed- a six hour study of the cause and effect of marijuana inhalation’ revealed themselves, at once Peter gasped, shoving his chair further and further away until he hit the wall. “You wouldn’t!” he hissed, looking between the solider not yet shivering, in full control of his faculties, and Collins whom was grinning and laughing like a creep in the shadows.

Murphy flipped the page over, and began to read, pronouncing ‘marijuana’ more incorrectly each and every time, and soon, it was too much for Peter, and he screamed.

“Okay, okay I give in you evil cuck! I wore it for Halloween and I thought it would be funny to make Alex wear it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought you’d figure it out! I didn’t know you were that oblivious” Peter exclaimed, his brows furrowed, was Collins that much of a hoe that he couldn’t think of anything other than getting bedded when the opportunity arises?

“Peter…I wanted to…I wanted to elope with Alex” he admitted, his voice breaking like he was on the verge of tears “do you know what that does to a man’s dignity?”

“I dunno, maybe if you were more loyal to your boyfriend, none of this would’ve happened”

Collins glared at him, he hated that the younger man was making sense, and so he dismissed him, not wanting his name to be more besmirched than it already was. Peter didn’t waste any time in breaking free of the scarf and walking out, ordering Murphy to burn the presentation on the way out.

So, after that, nobody else hit on Alex, instead they genuinely requested he do chores, and, surprisingly, Alex actually kinda got used to it, or, rather he stopped screaming them out every time they requested he do something.

Philippe enjoyed doing it the most. Many a time he’d called Alex in during the early hours of the morning, Tommy asleep all over him, or sated and exhausted after vigorous fucking. Each time, Alex would have to plaster on a smile and not strangle the Frenchman when he said “Alex, be a dear and wash those sheets over there, they’re a bit…sullied. Be quick about it, clean it like you mean it, thank you darl.”

Then, whilst he and Tommy were engaged in very intense making out “Alex, be a dear and…dust the tables, come on, we don’t pay you to stand around and look pretty.”

Alex hated it, but he hated the idea of no more Friday nights even more, so he kept doing, it, kept polishing the fucking spitfire in the backyard, kept going out and buying rolling paper for George and Peter, kept changing Philippe and Tommy’s sheets (sometimes whilst they were still in use). It was all rather mundane up until one day Collins beckoned him into his room, where the blond was honest-to-god sat on a swivel chair, facing away from the maid.

“What can I do for you, master Collins?”

Slowly, the blond spun until he faced Alex, fingers pressed together and a mischievous smirk on his face, when he requested something from Alex, the younger man couldn’t help but grin, now _this_ was interesting.

The brunet went about his work, and Collins swivelled back around to face away from the door, he could barely hold in his laughter as he heard a door open, and then, five seconds later “What ze fuck are you doing? Fuck away from me! Collins get your gremlin!” his plan had worked, oh Alex, sweet, sweet, obedient Alex, this was such a wonderful opportunity.

From them on, a certain little competition had started, it was mostly between Philippe and Collins, but sometimes others were involved in the drama being created. For example, Alex had been ordered by Philippe one night to creep into the pilot’s room, and crawl onto Farrier’s lap. The pilot, thinking it was Collins, who’d been asleep beside him, had almost ended up fucking the brunet before his ‘old man eyes’ realised it wasn’t actually his boyfriend, and rather a _very brave_ Alex.

Barely escaping the room with his life, the war continued. Then, the next evening, Tommy entered his room to find the maid laid out on his bed, feather duster in hand, a fancy new pair of tights covering his legs, “I’ve been waiting for you- for three hours, actually, I always knew you’d return to me, come here you dashing bastard” he breathed, opening his arms to the other man. Tommy, however, wasn’t having it, and instead reached for a can of deodorant, slipping a lighter from his pocket, Alex sighed, he’d already had a bad experience with blond hair in the past, he didn’t need to have a bald incident as well.

* * *

 

“Stop using our maid as your personal evil-doing device!” Collins shouted as he barrelled into the kitchen, his wig utterly, irreversibly snatched. Philippe rounds on him, almost dropping his croissant.

“You started this you thot! You set him on me, he tried to swallow my cock, WHILST I WAS USING IT, MIND YOU!” Philippe shouted, Collins glaring, squaring up to him, prepared to do Scotland and Scottish Twitter proud. They’re about to get into a full on despasicko fistfight when Tommy wanders in, raising a brow at the two other men.

“Wow, I walked in at the worst time” he announced and waited for Philippe to put his baguette sword away before continuing “I was thinking, we could use this, we could get revenge for all the times Alex has been a shady cunt on Fridays, this could be the second French revolution! Think about it, we all corner him, make him wreck himself, it might scare him off” the Brit explained, a slightly manic grin on his face. Philippe loved his evil genius boyfriend.

So, the plan was established, Farrier was notified, and Peter and George were sent to the Dawson’s residence for safety.

Then,  
“Maid, get on your knees” Alex had been throwing Philippe’s toothbrush in the fire pit when Farrier had strut in, and at the request, he’d almost suffered a (good) stroke, and immediately dropped to his knees, possibly breaking them but there was no way to tell until he tried to stand back up.

“I’ve waited so long for this” he said under his breath, honestly, the only reason that he agreed to this deal was because he knew eventually, they wouldn’t be able to keep it in their pants. He was correct.

“And you’ll keep waiting. It’s not tha’ easy, believe me, it took over 60 chapters for me to get there, pal” Collins announced, having fallen quite loudly down the stairs a few seconds ago, he was very disgruntled, but recovered quickly. Farrier was struggling to remain serious at this point.

“Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex… we’ve been thinking, you always watch us like we’re bloody Brazzers on PornHub, and well, let’s just say ‘oh how the turn tables’” now Tommy was entering the circle as well, Philippe close behind him, the Frenchman doing a poor job of hiding his baguette sword behind his back. _What the hell._

“Come on Alex, get yourself off, give us some ‘free porn’ as you call it” the baguette sword wielding Frenchman demanded, and Alex could do nothing but obey, fiddling with his maid dress and tights and underwear until he was holding himself. All the attention was on him, finally, it was his time to fucking shine.

Nobody can look away as Alex gets himself off in front of them, it’s like a car crash, a terrifying, terrifying car crash. Collins however, finds it very entertaining, and after a few seconds, he speaks up “sing One Direction” he orders, and almost ends up getting a direct smack to the face by Farrier.

“Baby you fly my spitfire like nobody else- fucking hell- the way you shoot down Germans gets me overwhelmed, the way you get captured by Nazi’s it ain’t hard to tell, you don’t kno-o-ow, you don’t know you’re a great pilot…please don’t- ah- make me do this” Alex begged, eyes squeezed shut, and everyone shares a glance, Philippe making vaguely threatening gestures with his baguette sword at Collins; Alex is off the hook.

Speaking of Alex, he’s not got long till he’s done, and Philippe knows exactly what he needs, so, quickly crossing the room to stand in front of the shaking, v _ery loud_ man, he pulls his hand back before landing one, stinging slap across his face. Barely jumping back in time before the house is practically quaking with the sounds the cretin was making.

Once the spectacle was over, and everyone was sure they’d done all the teaching of a lesson that they could, they lost interest. “Oh yeah, you can go clean the cat now, you are the maid after all” Tommy ordered, before everyone filed out, leaving Alex ruined and messy on the floor.

They didn’t even have a cat.  
Welp, he hoped the feral cats were up for a cleaning.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on my [tumblr](https://hardleeharlee.tumblr.com/)


End file.
